Okay, before I tell you about my dream I have to back up a bit and tell you a little about myself. A couple of years ago my boyfriend Greg moved to Denmark for a year of foreign exchange. Since then I have become a bit of a crybaby. I don't mean that I cry every time someone hurts my feelings or I fall down, but I do cry A LOT now during movies. Whenever a character gets emotional about missing their family or loved one, big hot tears begin to gush from my eyes and slowly fall down my face. It can even happen when a happy point in the movie has come and everyone is finally together at last. Movies I can remember crying over: UP, The Crucible, episodes of Biggest Loser, Robin Hood, Titanic(duh!), this end of world movie that I never knew the name of, and the list goes on and on. So as you may have figured out loosing a loved one goes up there with some of my other biggest fears (Rats, Not Finishing College, ect). This of course means that I have a lot of dreams about this particular subject. So that gets us back to the original topic of this blog: My Dream.
In my dream all of my friends and some adults we know are going on a camping trip to a lodge with a lake. This trip is very long and nobody has any privacy until we get to the cabin. So along the way, Greg and I sneak off a private place during one of the restroom stops and makeup, maybe even have sex; I'm not quite sure. Anyway when we get back some people on the trip that I don't really know come over to me and start teasing me that I am a slut and that I am clingy, ect. For some reason I let this get to me and spend the rest of the trip doing other things and letting Greg do his own thing. We are perfectly capable of handling being apart and after a while I am completely unaware of anything he is doing. When we get to the cabin I am out with everyone else playing in the lake and getting everything ready. When the night has begun to fall someone asks me where Greg is, and I begin to panic because I have not seen him in a long time. Everyone looks around for him and he is no where to be found. It is nightfall and the adults tell everyone to go to bed because that is all we can do right now. I'm so upset though that I run out of the cabin anyway, jumping into the dark murky lake convinced that he might have drowned and that I need to find him. My whole body is underwater and I can not tell which may is up or down, nor see if my love is lying in the water. I relax my body and allow it to float upward so that I might find air. I come up out of the water, sobbing my eyes out, almost in a crazed state. I begin to search all around the forest for him, crying heavily barely able to see. Later I am crawling out of the forest and I run into this ghost that says he lives in the cabin where we are staying. He and I comfort each other about death and we lie on the ground staring into the night sky, and I ask him if he remember who he was when he was alive, but he doesn't know. This causes night to begin to rain in response to my sadness that if Greg is dead he doesn't remember me. I realize that I have a knife in my pocket and I spend the rest of the night lying in the rain with the ghost, wondering about where I could stab myself most effectively. (I would never commit suicide, but this is a dream after all.) The dream gets really fuzzy after this point and I ended up dreaming two ending. In one of the ending the ghost is Greg and he did drown in the lake, so even though the ghost did not want me to, I ran my knife through my neck to die with him. The other is that he didn't get on the bus at our last rest stop and he calls us to let us know that we left him. I like the second ending better, I think that was my brain telling me to stop being so morbid. But at one point in this hazy part of this dream I look into a moving picture of Greg and I have to say I'm astounded at how well my memory remembered what he looked like a few years ago, the way he used to do his hair and how his eyes look when they are looking at me, to my conscious self it was amazing, because I have a terrible memory. I woke up with a couple tears in my eyes, but I think because of the alternative ending I was able to convince myself that Greg was alive in my dreams.
Last thoughts, in my dream I remember contemplating suicide and think how people would berate me for dying because of the lose of someone else, because our culture is so individualistic that they understand the lose, but do not condone the morning of loss for long periods of time, or going to extremes. We don't believe it is honorable to live for someone else and them for us, but I don't think I would agree. Although I don't think I would ever kill myself, if I lost Greg I would morn him for years and wold never feel truly done.
Anyway I know that was kind of a sad post, but it was what I dreamnt last night, and instead of calling Greg to make sure he was still alive and tell him this story, I thought I would post it instead. After all this is my blog and I can write sad stuff here if I feel like it.